Faith. A word that has been commonly used for as long as I’ve been alive, but a concept that I nor others around me seem to have ever understood enough to define it. I think Joel Embiid and The Philadelphia 76ers have done a good job at it: “Trust the process.” Easier said than done.
My first solid understanding of what faith means first occurred in January/February 2020, a month or so before the COVID-19 pandemic hit where I lived. This came at the same time I had chosen to decline a contract extension that would have had me continuing to teach French as a second language to elementary students.
I elected to try out a couple of things instead. The first itch to scratch was testing the assumption that high school isn’t for me, by substitute teaching business and math classes at various schools.
The second itch to relieve was testing out if I liked operating my own café, enough to commit to it full-time and stop teaching. This led me to create manual, a pour over pop-up. A lot of fun, but it came with tons of uncertainty on weekends around whether I could find an independent shop in Ottawa that would let me pop up.
The uncertainty and freedom (or lack of structure/commitment) pertaining to both itches to scratch was welcome and intentional. It was both uncomfortable yet freeing to have no idea if I could get a substitute teaching gig in my area the following morning and to have no obligation to have to work the next day. I knew it costed me $170 after tax if I chose to not work on a given day. It felt like I was calling the shots, yet very much at the mercy of the external world all at the same time.
My extremely flexible schedule during these two months allowed me to have the time to create a book study group as well, born out of the desire to discuss the rich book of Awareness by Anthony De Mello. It was during one of these book study discussions that it began to occur to me what faith means. Thanks to the aforementioned lifestyle design during the winter of 2020, along with other factors I was likely not aware of, I was exposed to a unique external environment and therefore feelings, which shed light on understanding what all these religions and mystics preach.
Faith is very much compatible and aligned with Buddhist and other spiritual teachings that I’ve learned thus far. How can we feel the most convinced that everything will be alright when we have the least amount of certainty? When there is a lack of evidence to help us predict the future, how is it possible to be at peace that our wellbeing is safe and sound, not in jeopardy? This is what I call faith.
The utility of religions in every culture that they’ve existed in then becomes obvious. Since it is impossible to predict anything, we are left with only two options:
- Trust that the best will happen; or
- Assume that the worst is on its way.
If executed as intended, religions are vehicles of trust, of faith. They’re a gateway drug to spirituality, but not necessarily the only or required step.
Our ego is the enemy, says Ryan Holiday and ancient Stoics. That doesn’t mean destroying the ego creates peace, but rather befriending the ego. Our ego’s mission is not compatible with faith. The ego seeks certainty through the analysis of evidence and data because it lives off of perceived control. Since it can never know enough to have full certainty, the ego can never be satisfied.
The opposing force is to let go of control. To practice spirituality is to practice one’s faith in the universe, in the meaning of our and everyone’s lives. Trusting that things will unfold as they are meant to unfold, that things are meant to be, that it is what it is, an acceptance so pure that it lets go of all control…this can undo the grip that the ego has over our mind and consequently our life.
Of course when everything is going our way, it’s easy to have faith (like February 2020 for me). The true opportunity for practicing faith arises when the future feels grim, when it’s difficult to comprehend why the world seems to be conspiring against us.
It’s been special to feel myself progress in this way. My current default is to attempt to frame a negative event in my life as a positive experience. Unexpected fruits of practice, since I don’t expect any of my studying to pay off in the moment like this. My mind is now relentless in searching for the silver lining or the blessing in disguise, which seems to be progress, but is still not the ideal. The ideal is to not require making sense of things. I’m still stuck in the false dichotomy of good or bad, positive or negative experience, right or wrong decision. The ideal is to be at peace with exactly what is without grasping for a sense control over reality. That said, it’s been nice to see how my ego is gradually softening and needing less and less evidence before it accepts reality as it is.
